Article by Alison Sutton, relationship specialist at Skicology
Have you ever perused any dating websites? I have to admit that I have, off and on. In their effort to impress it is very common for men to present their best action shots- of them sailing, running and skiing and for us ladies of, shall we say, a less action more contemplative nature it can be rather off putting. Even so, there are several brave souls who transcend their thoughts in their pursuit of love.
So, imagine that you have met the man, or woman for that matter, who ticks all your boxes, who you can really see a future with, except for one thing- skiing is their favourite holiday pastime. They love to ski and have been doing it for years and the winter would not be the same without the annual skiing holiday and “I would love it if you would come, and we can ski together and fall even more in love when we glide down the black runs together.” Fucketyfuck!!!!
So off we prance to buy our outfits, so that we at least look good on the slopes pretending we are having a good time when even the thought of slipping on a slippery slope sends us screaming for Gluhwein and a large Raclette.
There is so much pressure on coupledom to enjoy the same things and so much offence that can be taken by those, who are in a misunderstanding of how life works, when it turns out that we have some different interests….and SO much expectation to be everything that our partner wants us to be- or at least we think wants us to be.
Let’s examine the role of mind in relationships-
Lesson number one: Mind reading and expectation
This is a biggie (and for the purposes of this article I am going to take the stance of the non-skiing girlfriend).
So…..said non skiing girlfriend is living in an illusion at this point- the illusion being, “If I don’t love skiing as much as my new boyfriend he may start to think that we are not compatible/might look for the nearest Janica Kostelic lookie likie/might dump me because I am not as enthusiastic as he is or as capable or can even stand up on snow…. and that means I am lacking in some way and, worse still, not good enough and therefore I will die old and alone”…..or wherever your particular fantasy thinking ends up.
But….here’s the thing. ALL of that and the feelings that arise from that are one thing and one thing only- insecure thinking. And, the insecure feelings that arise as a result don’t know anything about what your new boyfriend thinks, or how he is going to think about you, or what action he might take as a result of your lack of skiing expertise- all your insecure feelings know about is what your insecure thinking is telling them- the rest is pure guess work/mind reading and may be as far from the truth as the Matterhorn is to the Pennines.
We set up these expectations of what is going to happen, which in turn brings up a load of self-protection mechanisms and we go from curious enthusiastic girlfriend to insecure stumbling wreck in a matter of moments. All through the power of thought.
Lesson number two: Just because a thought is in our head doesn’t mean it’s true
There are a few levels to this. Level number one is the thoughts we are having about what another thinks of us. Level number two are the thoughts we are having about ourselves
Now, I am no expert on skiing….all I remember about skiing is hearing my French instructor shouting “Alissssoooon, Alisssssooooon, Snow Plough” at the top of her voice as I hurtled out of control down the mountain side. What I am an expert on is how the human mind works and how we create our experience.
When we believe any thoughts about our ability to do anything in the future, particularly before we have even tried, we are living in fantasy land. We, via the medium of thought and our personal thinking, have moulded a false created reality about who we believe we are that says “I can’t do……” (fill in the blanks yourself) and it feels and looks so real. In fact it looks so convincing that, due to the thought storm raging in our mind, means we render our self incapable of even catching the button lift between our thighs because we have constructed a reality of failure that looks as real as the race to save the kingdom in Disney’s Frozen, before we have even started.
And it is all made up. It is as solid as a snowflake!
Lesson number three: The insecure thoughts mean we can’t take action
Wrong. The insecure thoughts don’t paralyse us unless we let them. In fact the best thing we can do when we have insecure thinking going on is to take action, despite them. Just start, and then take the next step and then the next step and see where it takes us without conclusion or judgement or visualizing ourselves plummeting off the mountain side. Just keep acting from a clear mind, because our thoughts are not who we really are.
Who we really are when we have mental clarity is more resourceful and stable and capable than we can sometimes imagine. Who we really are when we are not consumed in the fire of personal thinking about what we can’t do, is an energy and a presence that has complete mental and emotional wellbeing that has access to all the wisdom and peace of mind that we need to tackle any job in hand.
I am not suggesting that by having less on your mind you will become an Olympic Gold Medal skier, but I am suggesting that a state of clarity is a much more resourceful approach to anything that you want to do and that in the place of less on your mind you can maintain your sense of connectedness both to the new boyfriend and what he is really feeling and to your sense of levelheadedness and less drama
Which brings me finally to:
Lesson number four: Your sense of security is not dependent on anything outside of you
You are ok. In this moment you are enough. In fact you are perfect with all your human imperfections. Love is not quantified by how good you look as you hit the ski slopes, love is not measured by how well you perform on a pair of skis, love doesn’t know anything about how many black runs you have tackled, all love knows about is connection.
Connection on a level that is beyond thought. Love comes from experiencing the good in another person, despite their abilities or lack of. Love is allowing and not judging. Love is as pure as the driven snow. Love just loves that you are showing up…..if it is love
So, the next time your man/woman invites you on a skiing holiday just show up. Show up as your wonderful complete self, with as little on your mind as possible and see what you are capable of from that place and what you enjoy from that place and how much someone can love you despite your sporting ability.
If you’d like to have a better relationship with skiing and your loved one then let’s talk. Contact me at alison@skicology.com and we’ll go from there
